No one really knows what to say when a loved one is diagnosed with cancer, and even well-meaning words can land awkwardly. What are a few things to absolutely avoid saying to your loved ones with cancer, and a few others that might cause them to smile and feel supported?
1) “God / The Universe never gives you something you can’t handle.” While this may be true, or may not be true, when you get a cancer diagnosis, you don’t think to yourself: “Wow, so glad the Divine really thinks I’m strong!” When you’re diagnosed with cancer, you feel overwhelmed and terrified.
2) “Does cancer run in your family? Did you do something to cause this? Did you eat too much sugar or smoke a lot or drink too much?” Do not try to imply it’s their fault. Cancer is scary and no one wants it. Most of the time, a patient will never know what caused their cancer.
3) “You’ve got the good kind / stage / type of cancer.” This goes without saying, but there is no good kind of cancer. Period. And even if it’s caught early, it’s still scary.
4) “You’re a fighter. You’ll fight this. You’ll be fine.” Yes, attitude matters, but it puts the onus on the cancer patient. You might be thinking that you’re giving your friend a compliment by telling them they’re a fighter, but it can feel like you’ve dismissed the very real struggle ahead of them.
5) “Everything happens for a reason.” Again, not helpful. Not everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, it’s just really crappy luck.
…And What to Say Instead:
1) “I’m here for you. How can I help?” We’re going to need help even if we don’t want to admit it. Offer often. Not sure where to start? You can offer to cook a meal, to drive to a doctor’s appointment, or to do any of the other little things that are likely to feel overwhelming (or even pointless) in the face of cancer.
2) “I’m so sorry this is happening to you.” Even if you believe it’s God’s plan, acknowledge that their pain is real, and that you wish they didn’t have it.
3) “I’m here if you want to talk or want to not talk. Just let me know.” It’s important to respect your friend’s boundaries on this. Don’t pry about details of their diagnosis or treatment if they’re not comfortable sharing.
4) “Whatever you’re feeling right now is okay to feel.” Your friend will have a whole lot of Big Feelings about cancer. This is natural and expected.
5) “How are you doing?” The last one seems so simple, but regular check-ins can be so uplifting. It’s just four little words, but sent on a regular basis can be a lifeline. It helps them feel less alone. Reach out regularly — not too much, but not too little either — and your friend or loved one will thank you.
